Meeting Birth Parents

If you are waiting to adopt, the time will certainly come when you will be invited to meet with a potential birth mother, and maybe even a birth father, and birth grandparents as well, if you are lucky.  But, what do you do now?  There is no guide book written for this situation, and rightfully so because all birth parents are different, just like all adoptive parents are different.  A first meeting can seem as stressful as a job interview, first date, and final judgement all combined.  But here are some thoughts to help you prepare and not stress out.

The first thing you may be thinking is, "What kind of gifts do I give a potential birth mother?"  The answer, at least legally in Oklahoma is:  nothing of value.  You shouldn't give any sort of gift cards to stores, expensive jewelry, and certainly not cash because Oklahoma judges do not look kindly on these offerings.  Great ideas for gifts at a first meeting would be a small flower arrangement, a basket of goodies, a homemade keepsake, or just a little lighthearted card or note of love and encouragement.  You can ask your LDSFS case worker and/or secretary what they think might be a good gift first and remember that usually gifts aren't expected at all.

Now that we know we don't have to show up totally empty handed, what do we wear?  These meetings are usually casual.  Wear what you usually wear.   My husband had to go straight from work to the first meeting with our son's birth mom and he was forced to go in his work uniform.  No one cared or even noticed!  In fact, no one took any notice of what I was wearing either.  Plus it was POURING rain, so forget all the effort I put into my hair.  On top of that, the weather had backed up traffic and we were embarrassingly late although we had tried our hardest to be early, as any prospective adoptive parents should.  It all worked out in the end and as I said before, no one cared or noticed. 

Most importantly, once we get to the meeting, what do we do and what do we say?  How do we act?  Interestingly, most birth parents are worrying that the adoptive parents are judging them, while the adoptive parents are fearing the same thing!  The case worker will usually take the lead in these meetings and help everyone to get to know each other in a non-awkward way.  This doesn't mean you won't still feel awkward, that is only natural, but your job is to help everyone else feel comfortable.  Let the birth mom do most of the talking and be an excellent listener.  Birth moms are not usually involved in leading full fledged interviews of adoptive parents, so relax.  Be careful that in the course of conversation you don't accidentally ask any questions that might seem to pry into her personal life.  Work, school, TV shows, and especially food are safe chit chat topics.   One thing that you must talk about are expectations.  The most important purposes of your meeting is to talk about the child's future and how open you all feel the adoption should be (visits, communication, pictures, etc). 

Should we hug?  If she initiates it.  Maybe you will all feel very huggy.  Maybe you won't.  Just don't rub her pregnant tummy unless she tells you to!

Should we take pictures?  Definitely take your camera.  However, ask first before taking pictures and make sure to keep them private.  Facebook doesn't need to know about this meeting, but your future adopted baby will!

Should we give her our phone number?  I would give her any and all contact information that you would like to.  Don't ask for her personal contact information unless she volunteers it.  The ball is in her court until after the baby is born and placed with you.  You don't need to stalk her, but let her stalk you if she wants to.  Chances are, she doesn't want to.

Some birth parents will be able to tell you they have chosen you at the first meeting, but others may take time to decide.  Remember, that if a birth parent doesn't pick you as adoptive parents, there isn't anything you did wrong.  God has a plan for all of our families.

FSA National Conference Aug 12-13

We wanted to let you know that registration for the FSA National Conference Aug 12-13 in Layton, Utah is now open.  I know we are far from Utah, but if you can work it into your vacation plans this year, it is a great way to learn more and get excited about adoption.  National FSA Conferences are filled with touching moments to recharge your spirit and are always extremely well organized.   I think I mentioned before that the food is always really good, too.

Click HERE to link to more information and registration

How to be yourself when writing "Dear Birthparent" letters

One of the most daunting tasks facing adoptive parents is how on earth to write that "Dear Birthparent" letter and to put together a profile.  How can you possibly make yours stand out?  How can you speak your heart without sounding cheesy?
Here are some tips for tackling this writing project from Becky, our FSA co-chair (who happens to have a degree in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona).

1. PRAY.  Seeking inspiration will help you know what to write.

2. Start from SCRATCH.  Do not even read what the other adoptive parents are writing or try to form your profile to match anyone else's.  Comparing yourself or taking ideas you think a birthparent might like from other adoptive couples is counterproductive.  Start with a freewrite, which is like brainstorming in sentences.  Pour everything out, and then edit later.

3. Work as a COUPLE.  It is very common for either the husband OR the wife to be the writer in the family.  When writing this important document, teamwork is essential so that both spouses are accurately represented.  One idea is to have each spouse write a unique version of the letter, then trade and highlight your favorite parts.  The spouse who may be more inclined to writing (or less frustrated by writing) can then act as editor, to piece together a new letter.   Or, you can write about each other.

4. Avoid CLICHES or stating the obvious in a plain way.  These would be things that you hear over and over that become truly meaningless to the reader.  For example, "Our hearts are full," or "You are our hero".   Trying to find the right words can be hard, so it may be helpful to use thesaurus.com and weave in your favorite words.  Use all of your senses when writing to try to explain what life in your home looks, feels, sounds, tastes, and maybe even smells like!

5. Be open-minded about your AUDIENCE.  Birth parents who will be reading your profile come from many different ages and backgrounds, with every possible personality type.  Do not pre-judge your reader! Their supportive parents, extended families, and friends may also be looking at these adoptive parent profiles.

6. Be HONEST.  Birth parents are counting on you to be honest in every possible way.  This doesn't mean you have to list your faults, but do be proud of who you are and don't try and be someone you think others would want to pick.  Try not to second guess things that you want to share about yourself.  You mustn't assume that if you write that your favorite food is onion rings, that they will expect that you don't eat healthy food ever, or that if you mention you love hunting that they will judge you for killing Bambi.

7. ILLUSTRATE your points with specific anecdotes or explanations.  Don't just list adjectives about yourself.  For example, instead of  "We are a loving couple who like playing with kids," write, "We are the craziest cub scout leaders in town.  We've introduced over 20 new cheers and have a silly song for every situation."

8.  Show a VARIETY of pictures.  Don't do all your profile pictures on the same day, show pictures that are more than a couple years old, or only show ones from weddings or tropical vacations.  Be wary of pictures that highlight your possessions like your brand new convertible or 40 room mansion; think of what you are really trying to say.  Try to include both candids (ones where you are not aware the picture is being taken) and posed pictures.  Some ideas include: show yourself at work, school, or doing your church calling, celebrating various holidays, enjoying various seasons, playing sports, cooking your favorite meal, hanging out with extended family, working on projects together, doing yardwork, etc.

9. Get FEEDBACK from people you know will be candid.  Pick someone who is NOT your close relative or best friend to read the letter to tell you what they think.  This is especially important when picking pictures, because a person tends to only focus on certain traits of him or herself when viewing snapshots.

Oklahoma Heart Gallery

Did you know that there are quite a few children in Oklahoma and Arkansas who are ready and waiting to be adopted by someone like you?  Look at their faces and see if you're inspired to welcome one or more of them into your family.

These children are featured on the Oklahoma's Heart Gallery and the Arkansas Heart Gallery.
These are only a small sampling of the children that are available to adopt through the state.  To get started, fill out this online form to Contact Oklahoma DHS or this form from Arkansas DHS.  You can either foster parent or choose to only consider having a child or children in your home who are already legally free to adopt.
Sometimes potential adoptive parents are concerned about going through the state because they are afraid of bringing children into their homes with special challenges or worried about bonding with older children.  The truth is, all children come with challenges and individual needs, whether they are born to us, adopted, or come to us later in their young lives.  Many beautiful forever families have come from adopting older children or sibling groups.

Adoption tax credits can be awesome!

First, a disclaimer that your OK FSA co-chairs are NOT tax professionals and that you should talk over your own tax situation with someone qualified if you have questions about your adoption credits. 
Next, the great news about adoption tax credits in Oklahoma.
If you had adoption expenses in 2010, even if your adoption isn't final, even if a child hasn't been placed with you yet, Oklahoma has a special deduction for qualified adoption expenses.
Here is the scoop, from the OK tax forms:

Qualified Adoption ExpenseAn Oklahoma resident may deduct “nonrecurring adoption expenses” not to exceed $20,000 per calendar year (Title 68 O.S. Section 2358). Expenses are to be deducted in the year incurred. “Nonrecurring adoption expenses” means adoption fees, court costs, medical expenses, attorney fees and expenses which are directly related to the legal process of adoption of a child. Enclose a schedule describing the expenses claimed.

If you live in Arkansas, my sincere apologies, I don't have much knowledge of that state's tax laws. I've tried researching adoption tax credits, but haven't come up with anything yet.  If any of you have info, send it my way so I can post it for everyone.

Now, here is some information on the Federal tax deduction.  I hope that I don't confuse you more.  They have changed a few things recently (so recently that they don't even have their forms finalized as of this posting).  After spending more than an hour discussing our personal adoption situation with the IRS on their phone help line, here is some information I can give you.
If you haven't had a finalized adoption , or even if a child has not even been placed with you yet, if you had adoption expenses in 2009 (yes, I mean the year before last), you can claim them for a credit on the 2010 tax return.  I found this rather surprising because I had heard that you can't claim ANYTHING related to an adoption until it is final. But, this is completely untrue.  You just have to send in documentation proving that you paid home study fees, etc.  There are also special situations that apply differently to special needs adoptions and foreign adoptions.
However, if you started the adoption process in 2010, but haven't had a child placed with you yet, you will need to wait until you file your 2011 tax return to get a credit.   If you had expenses in 2010 AND the adoption was finalized, you can claim 2010 adoption expenses on the 2010 tax return.

In any case, here is the information on the 2010 Federal Adoption Tax Credit (and please forgive me for boring you on this post):

Adoption Credit

You may be able to take a tax credit of up to $13,170 for qualified expenses paid to adopt an eligible child. The credit may be allowed for the adoption of a child with special needs even if you do not have any qualified expenses.
If your modified adjusted gross income (AGI) is more than $182,520, your credit is reduced. If your modified AGI is $222,520 or more, you cannot take the credit.

Qualified adoption expenses.   Qualified adoption expenses are reasonable and necessary expenses directly related to, and whose principal purpose is for, the legal adoption of an eligible child. These expenses include:

• Adoption fees,
  
• Court costs,
  
• Attorney fees,
  
• Travel expenses (including amounts spent for meals and lodging) while away from home, and
  
• Re-adoption expenses to adopt a foreign child.
  

.

Nonqualified expenses.   Qualified adoption expenses do not include expenses:

• That violate state or federal law,
  
• For carrying out any surrogate parenting arrangement,
  
• For the adoption of your spouse's child,
  
• For which you received funds under any federal, state, or local program,
  
• Allowed as a credit or deduction under any other federal income tax rule, or
  
• Paid or reimbursed by your employer or any other person or organization.
  

Eligible child.   The term “eligible child” means any individual:

• Under 18 years old, or
  
• Physically or mentally incapable of caring for himself or herself.
  

Child with special needs.   An eligible child is a child with special needs if all three of the following apply.

1. The child was a citizen or resident of the United States (including U.S. possessions) at the time the adoption process began.
   
2. A state (including the District of Columbia) has determined that the child cannot or should not be returned to his or her parents' home.
   
3. The state has determined that the child will not be adopted unless assistance is provided to the adoptive parents. Factors used by states to make this determination include:
   
   1. The child's ethnic background,
      
   2. The child's age,
      
   3. Whether the child is a member of a minority or sibling group, and
      
   4. Whether the child has a medical condition or a physical, mental, or emotional handicap.
      

When to take the credit.   Generally, until the adoption becomes final, you take the credit in the year after your qualified expenses were paid or incurred. If the adoption becomes final, you take the credit in the year your expenses were paid or incurred. See the instructions for Form 8839 for more specific information on when to take the credit.

Foreign child.   If the child is not a U.S. citizen or resident at the time the adoption process began, you cannot take the credit unless the adoption becomes final. You treat all adoption expenses paid or incurred in years before the adoption becomes final as paid or incurred in the year it becomes final.

Substantiation requirements.   For 2010, you must include a copy of one or more adoption-related documents with your return to claim the credit.

Adoption finalized in the United States.   For a domestic or foreign adoption finalized in the United States, you must provide a copy of an adoption order or decree.

Domestic adoptions that are not final.   For domestic adoptions that are not final, you must include an adoption taxpayer identification number, obtained for the child, on your tax return or provide a copy of one of the following documents.

1. A home study completed by an authorized placement agency.
   
2. A placement agreement with an authorized placement agency.
   
3. A document signed by a hospital official authorizing the release of a newborn child from the hospital to you for legal adoption.
   
4. A court document ordering or approving the placement of a child with you for legal adoption.
   
5. An original affidavit or notarized statement, signed under penalties of perjury, from an adoption attorney, government official, or other person, stating that he or she (a) placed or is placing a child with you for legal adoption or (b) is facilitating the adoption process for you in an official capacity.
   

Adoptions of special needs children.   If you are adopting a special needs child, you also must attach a copy of the state determination of special needs to your tax return.

For more information, including what documents to include for adoptions finalized outside of the United States, see the instructions for Form 8839.

How to take the credit.   To take the credit, you must complete Form 8839 and attach it and your adoption-related documents to your Form 1040. Include the credit in your total for Form 1040, line 71, and check box b on that line.

2011 is a Great Year for Adoption in Oklahoma and Arkansas

FSA in Oklahoma / Arkansas wishes all of you who are friends of adoption a very happy new year!
Are you hoping to adopt?  Have you already adopted?  Have you placed a child for adoption?  Are you considering adoption?  Are you adopted?  Are you a big fan of adoption?  If you can answer yes to any of these questions, Families Supporting Adoption is for you.

Here are some new year's goals we can all make to support adoption:

1. Be sensitive to all parties involved in the adoptive process.  Birthparents (both biological mothers AND fathers); adoptive parents; infertile couples; couples waiting to adopt; and children who have been adopted all need a lot of love, understanding, encouragement, and support.  Ask them about their experiences with sensitivity and treat them in a non-judgmental way.  In truth, all of their experiences are unique and cannot be lumped together or stereotyped. 
2. Don't be shy about sharing positive adoption experiences.  Sometimes it seems like the only stories that make the news are telling us about the things that can go wrong with adoption.  The real fact is that only a small number of adoptions are contested and that the vast majority go smoothly and are wonderful, inspiring experiences for everyone involved. 
3. Find creative ways to support and encourage adoption.  Get in touch with your local DES and learn more about foster care. Volunteer to talk about your adoption experiences at a church, school, or work meeting.  Throw an adoption shower for a couple who has been placed with a child.  Organize a celebration for a birthmom who has just placed or is planning on placing a child to supply her needs for new clothes and college supplies.

You may never know who the people are in your life who have already been touched by adoption.   Best wishes and success to all of you and your families.