Meeting Birth Parents

If you are waiting to adopt, the time will certainly come when you will be invited to meet with a potential birth mother, and maybe even a birth father, and birth grandparents as well, if you are lucky.  But, what do you do now?  There is no guide book written for this situation, and rightfully so because all birth parents are different, just like all adoptive parents are different.  A first meeting can seem as stressful as a job interview, first date, and final judgement all combined.  But here are some thoughts to help you prepare and not stress out.

The first thing you may be thinking is, "What kind of gifts do I give a potential birth mother?"  The answer, at least legally in Oklahoma is:  nothing of value.  You shouldn't give any sort of gift cards to stores, expensive jewelry, and certainly not cash because Oklahoma judges do not look kindly on these offerings.  Great ideas for gifts at a first meeting would be a small flower arrangement, a basket of goodies, a homemade keepsake, or just a little lighthearted card or note of love and encouragement.  You can ask your LDSFS case worker and/or secretary what they think might be a good gift first and remember that usually gifts aren't expected at all.

Now that we know we don't have to show up totally empty handed, what do we wear?  These meetings are usually casual.  Wear what you usually wear.   My husband had to go straight from work to the first meeting with our son's birth mom and he was forced to go in his work uniform.  No one cared or even noticed!  In fact, no one took any notice of what I was wearing either.  Plus it was POURING rain, so forget all the effort I put into my hair.  On top of that, the weather had backed up traffic and we were embarrassingly late although we had tried our hardest to be early, as any prospective adoptive parents should.  It all worked out in the end and as I said before, no one cared or noticed. 

Most importantly, once we get to the meeting, what do we do and what do we say?  How do we act?  Interestingly, most birth parents are worrying that the adoptive parents are judging them, while the adoptive parents are fearing the same thing!  The case worker will usually take the lead in these meetings and help everyone to get to know each other in a non-awkward way.  This doesn't mean you won't still feel awkward, that is only natural, but your job is to help everyone else feel comfortable.  Let the birth mom do most of the talking and be an excellent listener.  Birth moms are not usually involved in leading full fledged interviews of adoptive parents, so relax.  Be careful that in the course of conversation you don't accidentally ask any questions that might seem to pry into her personal life.  Work, school, TV shows, and especially food are safe chit chat topics.   One thing that you must talk about are expectations.  The most important purposes of your meeting is to talk about the child's future and how open you all feel the adoption should be (visits, communication, pictures, etc). 

Should we hug?  If she initiates it.  Maybe you will all feel very huggy.  Maybe you won't.  Just don't rub her pregnant tummy unless she tells you to!

Should we take pictures?  Definitely take your camera.  However, ask first before taking pictures and make sure to keep them private.  Facebook doesn't need to know about this meeting, but your future adopted baby will!

Should we give her our phone number?  I would give her any and all contact information that you would like to.  Don't ask for her personal contact information unless she volunteers it.  The ball is in her court until after the baby is born and placed with you.  You don't need to stalk her, but let her stalk you if she wants to.  Chances are, she doesn't want to.

Some birth parents will be able to tell you they have chosen you at the first meeting, but others may take time to decide.  Remember, that if a birth parent doesn't pick you as adoptive parents, there isn't anything you did wrong.  God has a plan for all of our families.