Meeting Birth Parents

If you are waiting to adopt, the time will certainly come when you will be invited to meet with a potential birth mother, and maybe even a birth father, and birth grandparents as well, if you are lucky.  But, what do you do now?  There is no guide book written for this situation, and rightfully so because all birth parents are different, just like all adoptive parents are different.  A first meeting can seem as stressful as a job interview, first date, and final judgement all combined.  But here are some thoughts to help you prepare and not stress out.

The first thing you may be thinking is, "What kind of gifts do I give a potential birth mother?"  The answer, at least legally in Oklahoma is:  nothing of value.  You shouldn't give any sort of gift cards to stores, expensive jewelry, and certainly not cash because Oklahoma judges do not look kindly on these offerings.  Great ideas for gifts at a first meeting would be a small flower arrangement, a basket of goodies, a homemade keepsake, or just a little lighthearted card or note of love and encouragement.  You can ask your LDSFS case worker and/or secretary what they think might be a good gift first and remember that usually gifts aren't expected at all.

Now that we know we don't have to show up totally empty handed, what do we wear?  These meetings are usually casual.  Wear what you usually wear.   My husband had to go straight from work to the first meeting with our son's birth mom and he was forced to go in his work uniform.  No one cared or even noticed!  In fact, no one took any notice of what I was wearing either.  Plus it was POURING rain, so forget all the effort I put into my hair.  On top of that, the weather had backed up traffic and we were embarrassingly late although we had tried our hardest to be early, as any prospective adoptive parents should.  It all worked out in the end and as I said before, no one cared or noticed. 

Most importantly, once we get to the meeting, what do we do and what do we say?  How do we act?  Interestingly, most birth parents are worrying that the adoptive parents are judging them, while the adoptive parents are fearing the same thing!  The case worker will usually take the lead in these meetings and help everyone to get to know each other in a non-awkward way.  This doesn't mean you won't still feel awkward, that is only natural, but your job is to help everyone else feel comfortable.  Let the birth mom do most of the talking and be an excellent listener.  Birth moms are not usually involved in leading full fledged interviews of adoptive parents, so relax.  Be careful that in the course of conversation you don't accidentally ask any questions that might seem to pry into her personal life.  Work, school, TV shows, and especially food are safe chit chat topics.   One thing that you must talk about are expectations.  The most important purposes of your meeting is to talk about the child's future and how open you all feel the adoption should be (visits, communication, pictures, etc). 

Should we hug?  If she initiates it.  Maybe you will all feel very huggy.  Maybe you won't.  Just don't rub her pregnant tummy unless she tells you to!

Should we take pictures?  Definitely take your camera.  However, ask first before taking pictures and make sure to keep them private.  Facebook doesn't need to know about this meeting, but your future adopted baby will!

Should we give her our phone number?  I would give her any and all contact information that you would like to.  Don't ask for her personal contact information unless she volunteers it.  The ball is in her court until after the baby is born and placed with you.  You don't need to stalk her, but let her stalk you if she wants to.  Chances are, she doesn't want to.

Some birth parents will be able to tell you they have chosen you at the first meeting, but others may take time to decide.  Remember, that if a birth parent doesn't pick you as adoptive parents, there isn't anything you did wrong.  God has a plan for all of our families.

FSA National Conference Aug 12-13

We wanted to let you know that registration for the FSA National Conference Aug 12-13 in Layton, Utah is now open.  I know we are far from Utah, but if you can work it into your vacation plans this year, it is a great way to learn more and get excited about adoption.  National FSA Conferences are filled with touching moments to recharge your spirit and are always extremely well organized.   I think I mentioned before that the food is always really good, too.

Click HERE to link to more information and registration

How to be yourself when writing "Dear Birthparent" letters

One of the most daunting tasks facing adoptive parents is how on earth to write that "Dear Birthparent" letter and to put together a profile.  How can you possibly make yours stand out?  How can you speak your heart without sounding cheesy?
Here are some tips for tackling this writing project from Becky, our FSA co-chair (who happens to have a degree in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona).

1. PRAY.  Seeking inspiration will help you know what to write.

2. Start from SCRATCH.  Do not even read what the other adoptive parents are writing or try to form your profile to match anyone else's.  Comparing yourself or taking ideas you think a birthparent might like from other adoptive couples is counterproductive.  Start with a freewrite, which is like brainstorming in sentences.  Pour everything out, and then edit later.

3. Work as a COUPLE.  It is very common for either the husband OR the wife to be the writer in the family.  When writing this important document, teamwork is essential so that both spouses are accurately represented.  One idea is to have each spouse write a unique version of the letter, then trade and highlight your favorite parts.  The spouse who may be more inclined to writing (or less frustrated by writing) can then act as editor, to piece together a new letter.   Or, you can write about each other.

4. Avoid CLICHES or stating the obvious in a plain way.  These would be things that you hear over and over that become truly meaningless to the reader.  For example, "Our hearts are full," or "You are our hero".   Trying to find the right words can be hard, so it may be helpful to use thesaurus.com and weave in your favorite words.  Use all of your senses when writing to try to explain what life in your home looks, feels, sounds, tastes, and maybe even smells like!

5. Be open-minded about your AUDIENCE.  Birth parents who will be reading your profile come from many different ages and backgrounds, with every possible personality type.  Do not pre-judge your reader! Their supportive parents, extended families, and friends may also be looking at these adoptive parent profiles.

6. Be HONEST.  Birth parents are counting on you to be honest in every possible way.  This doesn't mean you have to list your faults, but do be proud of who you are and don't try and be someone you think others would want to pick.  Try not to second guess things that you want to share about yourself.  You mustn't assume that if you write that your favorite food is onion rings, that they will expect that you don't eat healthy food ever, or that if you mention you love hunting that they will judge you for killing Bambi.

7. ILLUSTRATE your points with specific anecdotes or explanations.  Don't just list adjectives about yourself.  For example, instead of  "We are a loving couple who like playing with kids," write, "We are the craziest cub scout leaders in town.  We've introduced over 20 new cheers and have a silly song for every situation."

8.  Show a VARIETY of pictures.  Don't do all your profile pictures on the same day, show pictures that are more than a couple years old, or only show ones from weddings or tropical vacations.  Be wary of pictures that highlight your possessions like your brand new convertible or 40 room mansion; think of what you are really trying to say.  Try to include both candids (ones where you are not aware the picture is being taken) and posed pictures.  Some ideas include: show yourself at work, school, or doing your church calling, celebrating various holidays, enjoying various seasons, playing sports, cooking your favorite meal, hanging out with extended family, working on projects together, doing yardwork, etc.

9. Get FEEDBACK from people you know will be candid.  Pick someone who is NOT your close relative or best friend to read the letter to tell you what they think.  This is especially important when picking pictures, because a person tends to only focus on certain traits of him or herself when viewing snapshots.